My name is still Queralt

February 6th
I am.
I know what’s coming next. I know because every born child since that children are born has been writing it in the book of life.

March 10th
I need a lot of energy.
Everything happens very quickly, every second changes and I forget what I was a second ago.
I feel the warmth.
There is love. Somewhere hidden behind the exhaustion of mom.

March 23rd
Soft. Reddish black.
I move.
I tremble. This is new.
I’m a secret that tortures everyone who knows me because they want to sing to the world that I already am.
But they still don’t know who I am.

April 16th
Everything is soft and smooth.
I feel pressure around me.
I like to turn.
And turn.
They see me and they laugh, because I don’t stop turning.
I know everything.
But they don’t know.

MiscarriageApril 17th
They look at me again.
I turn.
I put my hands in front of my face.
They see me and talk softly, uncertainty hurts a little less than yesterday.
Now they have to wait.

April 23rd
Mom talks about me.
I feel all her joy, I feel that she knows that it all will be fine, that whatever happens, we will overcome it.

April 27th
Mom sighs. They told her I’m fine. And I’m a girl.
I move my arms and I turn.
My name is Queralt. They say my name is Queralt.

April 30th
They listen to my heart. It beats.
There is love. There is hope. There is happiness.

May 4th
I don’t know what happened. Time has stopped. I don’t move anymore. I no longer turn.
Mom throws up. She sleeps. She rests.

May 7th
Mom talks about me. She says that my name is Queralt and that I will be born in October.
She buys a dress for when her belly grows bigger. She doesn’t know yet that the belly will not grow anymore. She doesn’t know yet that my trip ended three days ago.
Everything is soft and smooth.
I would like to turn, but I don’t do it.
I would like to put my hands in front of my face, but they no longer obey me.
I am and I’m not at the same time.
My name is Queralt. My name is still Queralt, although my heart has stopped.

May 22nd
It’s still the same. I can’t move.
How long can time stay still?

May 25th
They listen and don’t hear me.
They listen again and don’t hear me.
They look at me and see that I don’t move.
I am. But my heart is not beating and my body does not move.
But I am. And I don’t want to leave.
My name is Queralt. My name is still Queralt.
And they cry.

May 26th
Everything moves, as if I was beaten from the outside.
Everything around me is pushing me out.
All I know rejects me.
I leave.
I rise. I fly up, and look down and I see mom lying with her legs spread. A doctor wraps what just came out in a bundle.
It’s me.
They take the bundle away. They take away what I have been.
What can I do?
I don’t know where to go.
Should I go with the bundle or stay with mom?

May 27th
Mom does not think about me.
She organizes, puts away, cleans.
What do I do? Where do I go? Should I leave?
There are voices that whisper my name.
But I want to stay with mom.
Although she acts like nothing happened.

May 28th
Mom explains to Lluc that I’m no longer in her belly.
I came out. I was too small. I could not stay. Now I’m part of a star.
Lluc asks if he can visit me. Flying. Mom says we can’t fly. He says dad can. No, dad can’t either. Timmy can. No, Timmy is a sheep and he can’t fly. The owl can. Yes, the owl can fly, but not so far to reach the stars.
They don’t tell him that, sometimes, time stops. And that’s it.

May 29th
Mom can’t sleep.
She looks for me.
Looks at my ultrasounds.
Finds a picture made by Lluc. He said he had drawn me. It is a blue spot. There is a date: May 4th.
Mom sleeps.
She dreams of a ring with my name.
She gets up at dawn and draws the ring she has dreamed.

June 2nd
Mom draws a sketch of a girl on a star that winks to the moon.
Below, on earth, there is a mother, a father and a child.

June 4th
Mom makes a box and puts things in it.
My ultrasounds.
A CD of Blaumut.
A stone which is white, very white on the one side and a black, very black on the other.
A copy of the blue spot drawn by Lluc.
A copy of the girl in the sky drawn by mom.

June 16th
A package arrives for mom.
Two rings with my name.
She puts one of them on her finger and sighs.
The other one she keeps in the box with the things.
Sometimes I also get into the box.

June 27th
We are in the Netherlands.
Mom talks about me and cries.
She gets a pair of felt shoes for me, from a friend, made after learning that I was never born.
My name is Queralt. My name is still Queralt.
And the voices of children keep whispering my name, but I’m staying with mom.

June 30th
Lluc touches mommy’s tummy and asks where Queralt is.
Her voice breaks as she explains again that I am in a star.
But it is not true. I am next to her.

July 21st
The belly is again as it was before. Flat, empty, void.
There is a drawing of a blue spot that’s me.
There’s a ring with my name.
There’s a pair of felt shoes.
There is a picture that’s the whole family, but I’m in heaven.
My name is still Queralt.
There is sadness.
There are memories.

July 22nd
And mom starts writing.
Now I could go.

October 26th
Today I had to be born.

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